


Cracked Pearl

by cookiekat93



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crystal Gems (Steven Universe), Angst, Apple Juice, Cookie Cat, Crack, Other, Pearl Solidarity (Steven Universe)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-09
Updated: 2020-05-09
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:40:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24098206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cookiekat93/pseuds/cookiekat93
Summary: These were honestly generated by one of those story generators when I was trying to drum up some inspirations for ideas. I am posting them because the ridiculousness of them was unexpected and hilarious, so thought maybe the laughter can be spread here. I edited as minimally as possible, save for some minor grammatical dilemmas. Enjoy!
Kudos: 8





	1. Chapter 1

**The Thunder that Teased like Dancing Cats**

Pearl was thinking about Steven Universe again. Steven was selfish and naive, with lithe legs and chunky eyes.

Pearl walked over to the window and reflected on her cozy surroundings. She had always loved the familiar Beach House with its sweet, spewmungous sand. It was a place that encouraged her tendency to feel happy. 

Then she saw something in the distance, or rather  _ someone.  _ It was the selfish figure of Steven Universe. 

Pearl gulped. She glanced at her own reflection. She was a kind, brave, apple juice drinker with nimble legs and stout eyes. Her friends saw her as a giant, gifted gem. Once, she had even jumped into a river and saved a jolly kitten. 

But not even a kind person who had once jumped into a river and saved a jolly kitten, was prepared for what Steven had in store today.

The thunder teased like dancing cats, making Pearl afraid. Pearl grabbed an enchanted teapot that had been strewn nearby; she massaged it with her fingers. 

As Pearl stepped outside and Steven came closer, she could see the yellowish glint in his eye.

“I am here because I want answers,” Steven bellowed, in a comforting tone. He slammed his fist against Pearl’s chest, with the force of 3,867 mice. “I frigging love you, Pearl.”

Pearl looked back, even more afraid and still fingering the enchanted teapot. “Steven, I love you as my own son,” she replied.

They looked at each other with puzzled feelings, like two striped stupid sharks walking at a very hot-tempered barbecue, which had classical music playing the background and two motivational uncles jumping to the beat.

Pearl regarded Steven’s lithe legs and chunky eyes. She held out her hand. “Let’s not fight,” she whispered, gently. 

“Hmph,” pondered Steven.

“Please?” begged Pearl with puppy dog eyes. 

Steven looked stressed, his body blushing like a spluttering, shivering sandal. 

Then Steven came inside for a nice drink of apple juice.


	2. Cruel Pearl

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no words.

**Cruel Pearl**

  
Pearl was thinking about Steven Universe again. Steven was a generous hybrid with tall fingers and curly-haired knees.

Pearl walked over to the window and reflected on her familiar surroundings. She always loved the open temple with its wild, wet Warp Pad. It was a place that encouraged her tendency to feel joy. 

Then she saw something in the distance, or rather _someone._ It was the selfish figure of Steven Universe. 

Pearl gulped. She glanced at her own reflection. She was a cruel, cowardly apple juice drinker with strong fingers and skinny knees. Her friends saw her as a grisly, gigantic gem. Once, she had even made a cup of tea for a zesty, lost child. 

But not even a cruel person who had once made a cup of tea for a zesty, lost child, was prepared for what Steven had in store today.

The blizzard teased like running tigers, making Pearl afraid. Pearl grabbed a sturdy Cookie Cat that had been strewn nearby; she massaged it with her fingers.

As Pearl stepped outside and Steven came closer, she could see the gorgeous glint in his eye.

“I am here because I want a normal childhood,” Steven bellowed, in a straightforward tone. He slammed his fist against Pearl’s chest, with the force of 4,309 dogs. “I frigging love you, Pearl.”

Pearl looked back, even more afraid and still fingering the sturdy Cookie Cat. “Steven, you’re the dearest part of my family and I love you,” she replied.

They looked at each other with tired feelings, like two horrible heavy horses dancing at a very fair picnic, which had country music playing in the background and two loving uncles screaming to the beat.

Suddenly, Steven lunged forward and tried to punch Pearl in the face. Quickly, Pearl grabbed the sturdy Cookie Cat and brought it down on Steven’s skull.

Steven’s tall fingers trembled and his curly-haired knees wobbled. He looked bright, his body raw like a slow, scrawny spear.

Then, he let out an agonising groan and collapsed onto the ground. Moments later Steven Universe was dead.

Pearl went back inside and made herself a nice drink of apple juice.

**Author's Note:**

> Really not sure what else to use as tags. These are bizarre scenarios! 
> 
> I cannot verify whether or not "spewmungous" is actually a word...


End file.
